And We’re Back…sorta
Posted: November 28, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »Things have been busy, blogging has not been easy, but now I’m feeling wordy and gettin’ all…girdy? I don’t know. A free-styler I ain’t.
BUT, as a way of getting back into blogging more, I’m excited to announce a NEW Blog that actually WILL, no matter what, be updated regularly through Advent. It’s the Light in the Darkness blog which I will be updating along side Hancock UCC’s Associate Pastor, Dana Allen Walsh. You can find the blog here, here, or here: http://hancockadvent.wordpress.com/
Meanwhile new posts coming here soon! I promise! Or…this blog will go away. I don’t know. is that quitting? I haven’t been doing this whole project…well, I have, but it has not been successful. Hmm…anyway, decisions coming soon. I’m getting my life in order, I tells ya.
Well, I’ll say this for the boy…he can work.
Posted: September 26, 2011 Filed under: Coping, Moving, Working Leave a comment »So it’s possible that I am more prone to feeling “guilt” than I would like to think. I say this because, just looking at my schedule since returning to America, the only explanation for being that busy and taking on that much stuff is if you are attempting to “atone” for something.
Graduate School: 13.5 Credit Hours (that’s 40.5 hours a week of JUST class time)
Residential Representative (basically an RA for Grad School, this pays my for my room): 10 hours a week
I took a job as a Barista at Starbucks (which pays for everything else): 32 hours a week
Attempting to maintain and strengthen important relationships in my life: The other hours I am awake.
I’m not going to count the hours of sleep I am currently not enjoying…I think it would make me sad.
Is this schedule contributing to the project of being a more whole and healthy person by June 21, 2012? I’m not sure.
Is it possible that it’s counter productive in ways, putting old-school achievement ahead of spiritual health and important connections to nature, family, loved ones, etc? In other words, is it soul killing? Too soon to tell.
At this point all I can say for sure is that it’s completely counter productive for Blogging…or writing…or reflecting. So in that sense it’s a nice counter balance to the last year of my life. I retreated so far inward over the last year, that it at least FEELS good to be stretching and working and pushing and growing.
Plus, in the last month, I have made more money than I have in the last two years combined. This is not something that is going to make my life great on its own…but the feeling of being able to pay my bills is great, and the feeling of giving money back to my family rather than asking for it is REALLY great.
It’s also making me realize that, really, I did work hard this last year…I put a lot of hours and attention and sweat and tears into some important work. It’s easy to look over that because I didn’t get a pay check. It’s easy to overlook the work I did because there are no physical signs or obvious notices of the work that was done. But I feel it in my soul. I feel more whole and steady and sure than I have felt…probably ever in my adult life.
That’s actually what I worked at last year. A strong, healthy soul. I need the schedule I have right now just to give it room to play.
One Year Later…
Posted: September 8, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »Three weeks back in America….things are in progress. I’m handling it, I think. I think I will handle it. I will handle it!
Do you like comic books? I do. At times, as a way of helping new readers join in on the story, or kick starting new, interesting stories that would be boring or impossible if they relied too much on the past….at these times, comic creators will do something like this:
ONE YEAR LATER…
And there’s a missing year in the lives of our heroes. So we get to see how they’re a little different, they have some surprises in store, they are not entirely the people we have come to know, but we are a little excited about the mysteries that will unfold in their lives. So we read on, excited about the stories to come, but also hoping that they will reveal a little bit about what happened during that un-seen year.
I have a blog. I go to seminary. I’m trying to get by in the world. I left America for a year. Now I’m back. ONE YEAR LATER…to be continued…very soon.
Unplugged, Under Budget and Un-Burnt!
Posted: August 14, 2011 Filed under: Challenges, Eating, Moving, Traveling, Uncategorized, Working 1 Comment »
Now, that was a successful vacation. Not just because of the trip itself, although that’s going to be pretty hard to beat, but because there were some very clear take-home lessons I picked up along the way. Vacation in Croatia…it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Unplugged
Inka and I went with 8 friends to Croatia, rented a house in the city of Pula, spent the week at the beach. Good times. How can you do all this without a job of any kind? Because we utilized two big resources that don’t take a lot of money: 1. Croatia itself…not a rich country, I’ll talk more about that in a minute. 2. Ryan Air.
Ryan Air is a British airline that flies all around Europe and they proclaim to have the “lowest fairs and best on-time arrival record.” Can’t speak for their punctuality, but their seats are cheap. On their website you can find tickets listed for as low as 6 Euro. There are lots of taxes thrown in on top of that, and tax included I don’t think I’ve seen anything available lower than 50 Euro, but 50 Euro to go to another country, not too shabby. How is it possible they offer such low fares, you may be asking? Because they are the most inconvenient airline ever. They take all the comfort and joy and convenience out of the flying experience, and they pass the savings right on to you. If I were any taller, my legs would break trying to fit into the tiny seats, they have all the passengers board the plane at the same time (after waiting for about 45 minutes in a literal holding pin that is about 60% too small for the number of people crammed in there…anyone who talks about feeling like “cattle” on an airline, if you AREN’T talking about Ryan Air, I invite you to keep your opinions to yourself), and the cheap frosting on all this stale cake is the luggage situation. You are allowed one carry on bag that has to be a certain size, which is much smaller than most carry on luggage you see. You are allowed nothing else. The flight attendants eyed my Kindle warily so that I would know it was seconds away from banishment. So when you’re going on a week long vacation, you can barely fit half of the clothes and things you should have for the whole trip, let alone any extra niceties.
So there was certainly no room for a computer, which meant that the iPod stayed home too. I had the Kindle for reading, but otherwise it was an electronic-less trip. I think it has been about 10 years since I went away for more than a few days without any kind of electronic gadget (I’m counting the Kindle, not as an electronic device, but as 12 really compact books). Being in my head that long with no distractions other than human contact and the beauty of nature…it was a strange and beautiful experience.
Lessons learned: If you don’t want to live like a consumer…then you have to take time off from consuming; not just buying things, but taking things into your body and mind that involve no thought or interaction whatsoever. I’ve now spent two Saturdays in a row doing nothing but sitting, thinking, listening, and talking and laughing with friends. In Spiritual terms, this is called a “Sabbath Day.” It’s something I intend to continue.
Under Budget
Again, Croatia, not a rich country. We pooled our money to pay for our six-night stay in a really gorgeous apartment with
plenty of beds for everyone, and to buy our food and drinks for the week. For the first time in my life, I didn’t spend all the money I had taken with me. It was a great feeling, I think mainly because I enjoyed myself and experienced another part of the world without feeling like I was stupidly throwing away money I don’t really have. But it was also a great confidence builder; I do have the ability to think creatively, compare prices, and make priority decisions. Instead of spending money for entertainment, we went to the beach. Instead of buying new things to read, I took to the Kindle and took down huge chunks of books I never thought I would actually read (i.e. Moby Dick and Huckleberry Finn! And let me tell you this, Moby Dick…it’s a struggle, but it’s also fun and enchanting and remarkably funny…did everyone else already know this?). I hadn’t planned on spending a lot of money, but I spent even less than that. I made it out of Croatia with 40 Kuna left over, which is about 5 and a half Euro, which is nearly 10 Dollars! So take that, Vacation Planning Project from Mrs. White’s 3rd Grade Class that I Did Not Pass!
Lessons Learned: Whether I like it or not, this may be the first time that I learned how to save money, but I’m excited to continue doing that, and now I think I have a sense of what that requires: pooling resources whenever possible; fully appreciating what I have rather than wanting more; doing fun free things with other people; going to bed at a decent hour rather than staying up to eat, drink and spend; focusing on priorities and not letting them be replaced by nonsense…also, getting a stomach bug/heat exhaustion for a day, I’m not saying it’s an ideal way to go, but you can save a couple hundred Kuna just by being stuck in doors for a couple days.
Un-Burnt!
Also for the first time since I can remember, I spent a huge portion of my week outdoors without getting sun burned ANYWHERE. I have always avoided the outdoors…sometimes out of laziness, but I really do see it primarily as an evolutionary skill on my part. The Great Outdoors hates me and wants me dead, I get sun burned easily and have many freckles, I will adapt to an indoor environment by learning to read and write and imagine and watch lots of movies. Done and done. But, as it turns out, there are outdoor things I enjoy doing, and apparently I can do them without feeling like I am being punched in the face with cancer. A recent visit to a skin doctor scared/educated me enough to just slow down and take time to do responsible things like apply sun screen, budget my time in the sun, and bring a hat. These are things I had to learn. I’m not proud. But swimming in that ocean was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. I floated on huge rocking waves, staring into the great blue dome above me, lying somewhere between heaven and earth.
Lessons Learned: The outdoors are not to be feared! And I need to find more pretty waters to swim in.
My Skin
Posted: August 11, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »(pictures to come later…beware!)
I’m spending this week in Croatia, and for all intents and purposes it will be hot and sunny and I will be at the beach. I have a lot of freckles, so this is anxious territory for me.
In Germany I have awesome health insurance, and a couple weeks ago I had a question about a mole on my shoulder. I’ve had this mole my entire life, it’s never given me problems…but one day there was weird stuff going on. In the States I probably would have worried about it, but I would have thought long and hard about whether it was worth the money to go have a doctor look at it. Here, I just called (well, Inka called, because she’s nice), and I went in and saw a doctor. He referred me to a specialist. The specialist said, all clear, everything’s fine. But then he said, “When was the last time you went to see a doctor about your moles and freckles and skin?”
I said, “I dunno…14 years?”
He said, “From now on, you go every year.”
I said, “Really?”
He said, “If you want to avoid skin cancer, yes. You have a lot of freckles, you know.”
Apparently I’m at bigger risk for skin cancer than I ever would have thought. Now I will have annual skin check ups, and the doctor said someone down the line might recommend twice-a-year visits. It’s one of those things, “I don’t have cancer, yay! But this doctor is very concerned I could get it pretty easily…hmmm…?”
So I’m going for a week to the hot beach, and I’m taking proper precautions. Hey, Internet, how do you take care of your skin at the beach?
Internet: Sun screen, protective clothing, and shade.
Oh, I actually knew that.
“Running” Errands
Posted: August 9, 2011 Filed under: Moving | Tags: A.J. Jacobs, errands, walking 1 Comment »
AJ Jacobs is a hero of mine. He’s a guy who has committed himself to various lifestyle projects at different times, hoping to improve his normal day-to-day. He’s probably the main reason why I was able to sit down and say, “I have one year until turning 30…let’s make it count!” He spent one year reading the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica, another year living in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible. That one was awesome because he described himself as an atheist, and he took the project on to point out the absurdities and contradictions in the Bible, and by the end of it, he was able to see past the surface comedy of scripture and he began feeling some divinity present in the tension between its paradoxical passages. Highly entertaining.
So, he did a short article in an Esquire magazine a couple months ago, and it was all about the things that he has been’ experimenting with to add motion and movement to his life. Unfortunately, I lost this magazine before embarking on this project, and I can’t recover the article online. But what I remember about it from when I read it is this: I already do most things on his list. I find that interesting, and I take a little pride knowing that I am matching my hero’s lifestyle without really intending to. The one thing he said in the article that I don’t do…he recomended chewing your food upwards of sixty times before you swallow it. Even blueberries. I should try it.
But the biggest idea he had that I’ve already incorporated into my life for the last couple years: Literally “Running” Errands. I rarely have access to a car, and I’ve been living in Boston and Germany, very walker/transit-friendly areas. I don’t run, but I do walk briskly, and that’s for everything from the grocery store to the post office to going to school (not a big deal until it’s snowing and you literally have to walk up hill both ways…there’s lots of mountains in Germany).
It is not the silver bullet. Walking around town is good, it’s better than driving it, but it’s obviously not enough to keep a human body in proper shape. But it is the perfect example of the learning/un-learning dynamic I mentioned last week. It rarely occurs to me to expect, or even ask for, a ride from someone in order to get somewhere. I’m often more prepared for many different contingencies, dressing in layers, often having clothes that are good for sun and cold wind and/or rain and humidity. I keep track of my things, everything literally has its place, and I have a regular check list so I can be out the door in seconds to catch a bus or beat the weather. And it’s changed my concept of distance, I know 4.2 Kilometers is a half hour trip by foot, so anywhere in a 10 kilometer radius is a potential pedestrian destination, and no one is allowed to complain about something being “too far” when they own a motor vehicle.
And the first thing that you “un-learn” when walking becomes your way to most things: Time is a brutal master. It flies by, and when you don’t have technology and motorized vehicles at your employ, it just has its way with you. Two days ago, I literally went to the library, the bank, and the post office. That was my day. It was worse when I lived in Phoenix, but still. But it’s an important thing to keep in mind. People of Privilege conquer time through technology. People of the Foot Walk Way tend to value time more. We like to sit and talk. We like to laugh and stare. We like to breathe. When you tell us you don’t have time for a drink, we like to laugh at you because we spent our Tuesday going to the grocery store and we’re looking to do something fun now.
I’ve lost entire weeks and I used to be incredibly frustrated by it. Now I’m grateful for a different pace, even with its drawbacks…and I tend to frustrate other people. It’s just my way. And I didn’t even realize it until i wrote this just now.
Crisis of Budget
Posted: August 7, 2011 Filed under: Working | Tags: budget, Chipotle, economic justice, money, Personal Finances, toilet paper 1 Comment »Ever since I started seminary, it’s been very important to me to figure out my relationship with money. The more I learn 
about the interconnected world we live in, and how my primary way of fluctuating through that world is through my wallet, how I spend and collect my money, I see it all having major implications for what kind of person I am, what kind of life I live, and what kind of mark I’m going to leave behind me.
So far it has resulted in eating a lot of Chipotle. Their organic vegetable use is on the rise, their carnitas meat is free range, and they attempt to get all their ingredients from within a certain distance from the restaraunt, and it all really seems very reasonable. I’ve also made a few different attempts to do away with toilet paper, but…we aren’t going to go into that now.
This last week, I figured out my educational expenses for the year, and then I added up the scholarships I’ve been blessed with, and the job that I have lined up. As of right now, just looking at my educational expenses–that’s not including stuff like food or social events or the charities that I started donating to back when I was feeling guilty about how much money I was making–I am going to need an extra $9,000. I think I waited to long to get this blog project going…I’m a long ways off from that kind of money.
So do I take out a student loan? Do I borrow money from my parents? Do I cut back on the comitments I’ve made to the few nonprofits who look forward to my $12/month? Are there ways of earning this money that allow me to focus on my education in ways that are important to me, and might also require me to participate in systems and cycles I’m trying to break free from?
These are the questions I’m wrestling with. All of them have very real consequences for how I live, who I interact with, who I serve, who I support, what is generated or destroyed due to my involvement. Is this over-thinking the issue? Maybe. But I don’t have a real job right now, and I’m training to be a person who has some authoritative way of leading others toward The Ultimate so…I think it’s all worth considering. Whatever I choose to do has an effect on something outside of myself, so what is my responsibility to myself and those outside of myself?
The fact that this is something I wrestle with makes me feel gross. It was easier when I was a janitor in a hospital. I cleaned up gross stuff and had no problem collecting a paycheck. Mmm…simpler times.
Oooooohhh….Learning.
Posted: August 4, 2011 Filed under: Challenges, Intros Leave a comment »Had a great conversation yesterday with a friend online. I asked her how she was doing, and she said, “Well if its a sink or swim situation, id have to say I’m treading water. Definitely not winning any races, but figuring it out enough to keep everything going!”
I decided this sounded a little stressful, so I offered a little unsolicited advice, saying that treading water sounds kind of exhausting, it’s something you do to keep from drowning when you don’t know where to swim, and maybe it would help to choose a direction and start swimming.
As happens often with my favorite people, Katie told me that I had a nice way with words, but I was completely wrong. She was nicer than that actually, just saying she didn’t quite mean it like that, “I was going for the idea that its a first step in learning how to swim…Learning how to keep yourself afloat before you learn all the fancy strokes. It’s a day-by-day thing right now, and eventually I’ll get to a bigger picture plan.”
As often happens, I wasn’t helping her at all, I was applying her metaphor to my situation. And then she schooled me. ”Oh, right,” I said, “Learning.”
I remember the first time I learned that the food I consume is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. I’m not talking about the usual high sugar, corn syrup, fatty information that we learn about in school (and I’ve recently been schooled on that information too…gotta throw that in here sometime). I was reading a book called Raising Less Corn, More Hell by George B. Pyle. Pyle is a journalist and the book focused on his years of experience investigating and covering news about small farms, farmers, and the nature and history of American agriculture. It is a genuinely fascinating, important, and unsettling book. The biggest thing I took away from the book–aside from the need for major reform of our agriculture system–was that the pesticides used by large farms (i.e. where pretty much all the fruits and vegetables I eat come from) are known to cause cancer. And it’s not necessarily something you can wash off your produce, and even if you could, most of us don’t do it properly. So for 20-some years of my life I’ve consumed unknown quantities of known carcinogens. I’ve been walking around so proud of myself for not smoking, but completely unaware that those apples could be working on me in just the same way. And, again, as is my typical way, I promptly took in this information, reacted to it immediately, and as soon as my initial panic wore off…I forgot all about it.
It’s that human ability to bury the head in the sand and ignore potential threats….that’s what’s going to get me in the end.
I had another learning experience my last year working in Phoenix. I lived in Tempe and worked on the north side of town, that’s roughly 20-25 miles between work and home. Phoenix just opened their new light rail which made it possible (not practical, but possible) to commute across the valley sans personal automobile. Which was good timing because my car broke down that summer and I had no way of fixing it. Over the course of that year I took more public transportation than I ever had in my life. Later I would live in Boston and Germany, places that actually have good transportation, but at the time, I came to love and appreciate public transport for how much it got me out in the world, how much it got me talking with other people, how much it got me walking, and how much it kept me from being a direct source of air pollution. I haven’t owned a car since then, so this is an area of my life that I have actually improved upon–how to responsibly and creatively transport myself from one place to another–since regressing to a personal vehicle wasn’t really an option.
It’s the human ability to adapt to anything and learn new ways of approaching problems that will fend off “the end” for awhile…that is, if i can replace my old ways of thinking with my new ways of knowing. It’s not enough to know new things…I have to un-learn previous assumptions and habits.
And that’s the process, I suppose…learning new things, collecting new information and perceptions, and quite literally “un-learning” the things I used to know. This is not a problem most humans have had throughout history. Most of the time, you try something, you learn a better way of doing it, you do that. But when you’re a young adult in 21st Century America, there is not a whole lot of reason to choose “better” over “easy.” It actually takes learning and discipline in order to refrain from doing more damage to yourself and the world.
Oh, learning. Duh.
Brian Vs. Stress
Posted: August 2, 2011 Filed under: Coping 2 Comments »
I am unquestionably, brilliantly, hauntingly imaginative. Is this reflected in my blogging? Maybe. Does one get a sense of this from a casual conversation? Possibly…if the conversation involves comics, TV, movies, or time travel, then we might even say “Probably.” There is, however, no greater sign of my genius (and, I must say this is also the greatest sign that I may never be known as a genius of any kind) than my ability to create problems for myself. This is an endless field, stretching clean across my 29 years on earth….and it’s littered with decaying remnants of times, activities, and people who have faithfully defended me from the constant onslaught of MYSELF. And the Stress I create is still slowly, inexorably, marching toward my house to eat my brains.
I’ve been playing a lot of Plants vs. Zombies lately. Do you know this game? The premise is simple, as is the game itself: There’s a Zombie apocalypse, and you have to use special genetically engineered, weaponized plants to defend your house from Zombies. You have to trap and destroy them on your front lawn before they get in your house and eat your brains. It’s remarkably entertaining. But it is interesting when you spend enough time with something, even if it’s a stupid online video game that I should be pushing aside so as to apply for jobs and/or go play outside, you can start pulling patterns and metaphors from it that are eerily informative to life. Something I’ve learned about myself this past year–I think I knew this before, but I think this year taught me how easily and often this happens–is that one thing can go wrong, and then I am likely to perceive
EVERYTHING as going wrong. And this has an exponential effect, where I allow myself to feel intimidated and confused by life, so it seems like I have to grab on to anything I can in hopes that it will defend me from the onslaught of sadness and uncertainty…and then a zombie eats my brains.
I’ll give you an example: Had a little fight with Inka, so I decided to have some “me” time to decompress at the dorm by myself. Then I had some work that needed to be done, but I was “so stressed out” that I didn’t want to be connected to the internet, so i went for a walk instead. I then said to myself, “I have been walking for awhile, I deserve a treat,” so I had a large dinner that was not good for my wallet or my general health. Then I decided I was too tired to walk home so I took a cab. Then I was so exhausted from the whole thing that I went back to my room and listened to podcasts and watched internet TV until an ungodly hour of the morning. Then I slept. Then I woke up and immediately felt guilty/awful about all the things that I had not accomplished, plus nothing had been resolved from the fight with Inka, and now it was a new day with new stuff to get done…and I played Plants Vs. Zombies. This pattern didn’t let up for a couple days. Two-three days of my life just…gone. Then I had to go into overdrive getting my dorm room packed up so I could move out, and make up for lost time seeing friends who I won’t see again for a very long time. It was a complete waste of time. Didn’t apply for jobs, but I spent money. Didn’t connect with friends, but felt lonely. Didn’t write on the blogs, even though that’s an actual goal I have, to be better about writing and updating regularly. And why did all this happen in the first place? I don’t even know what the argument was about…I just know that it felt like a huge thing, and then everything felt huge, and then I scrambled to fight off the impending doom….and then zombies at my brains.
Playing the Survival mode of Plants Vs. Zombies is surprisingly helpful when dealing with this problem. In Survival mode, you are allowed to pick 4 different kinds of plants for yourself to fight off a continuous, ever-increasing onslaught of Zombies, and you literally are just seeing how long you can last. Since you’re only allowed 4 kinds of plant at a time, you have to figure out how best to utilize your existing resources, make the most of a confined space, properly assess the threats you’re facing, and, most importantly, plan ahead for a time when one zombie will become sixty. All of these are skills that I should be working on applying to my real life. Assessing threats, making the most out of the abundant resources I have at my disposal, and planning ahead. I know enough about myself to know how I react to situations, and I know how I rationalize behaviors that are not all that helpful to me. The only question is will I begin to get disciplined enough to do some prep-work and have some strategies prepared so that in those times of great stress and anxiety, I’ve already got my Sunshine Reserves filled, my garden appropriately cultivated, and just focused on what’s on the lawn rather than the off-screen threats that I have no control over.
I have just a little over two weeks remaining before I leave Germany and come back to the States. That’s the lawn.
Everything else is off-screen. Stand up and start collecting some sunshine. There’s one zombie approaching…let’s do this.
Interrupting our Regularly Scheduled Everything
Posted: July 28, 2011 Filed under: Concerning Health, experiments, Moving 1 Comment »
One of the big things I learned at General Synod a few weeks ago: Business meetings are not my thing. I find it difficult to pay attention, I am not well versed in Robert’s Rules of Order. Although, I’m tempted to learn more about that because we experienced some kind of bizarre Wormhole of Order at Synod–does the term “Quasi Room of the Whole” mean anything to you?–and it felt like I there is something fascinating and hilarious about that, it seems like I lived through the business meeting equivalent of the last season of Lost, but it was just a little too over my head for me to fully appreciate. We’re in the middle of our morning session, I’m sipping my Starbucks iced Americano, just trying to pay attention to what’s happening, when SUDDENLY…the lights dim, music booms from all around us, and a flurry of young people rush the stage and begin a choreographed dance while a slightly amused auditorium of more than 1,000 people quietly look around and say, ‘What’s going on?” We had been Flash Mobbed, but good.
But the surprises continued when someone was welcomed to the podium to speak–unfortunately it all happened too fast for me to catch her name–and it turned out to be a representative from Michelle Obama’s staff. She informed us that the UCC, somewhat surprisingly, had joined with Michelle Obama’s program to educate and fight obesity by scheduling an “Instant Recess” into our business meeting agenda. According to the agenda, it was a “Community Break,” but it turned out to be a surprise jazzercise session, everyone in the auditorium to take some time to move, either by following along with the repeat performance of the flash mob, or dancing in place, or, like our Conference Minister, just finding the nearest chair and gesticulating wildly on top of it. Apparently, this is a thing? 
The idea is that, when you gather with a large group of people where your primary activity is sitting, you take some time every once in awhile to just move, to get the body burning some calories, the representative from Mrs. Obama’s staff reiterated over and over that our culture of stationary living is literally killing us, and then we all danced to a mash up of Katy Perry and “This Little Light of Mine.” It was delightful, dancing with friends who were all over 50, seeing folks who had, just moments before, been frowning or barely alert, and now it was this big, government sanctioned dance party. It was an incredibly quick and educational moment for me: I realized it doesn’t take much to transform our bodies, our agendas, our attitudes, or our culture. It can be as simple as interrupting the regular schedule for a five minute Flash Mob.
I feel like I’ve spent a lot of my 20′s raging against things I don’t want to do or a lifestyle that I don’t want to have. There seems to be this tension that we are trained to create in our minds–and I believe it’s a false tension, it’s artificially engineered–between “adult” living and “crazy kid” living. The things that I really enjoy most in life, the things that make me excited about living–playing, talking and laughing with friends, exploring the world–seem to be pushed ever farther to the margines in an “adult” lifestyle. For whatever reason, I’ve been trained to think that being an adult means putting job and family before anything else, and you can almost measure the respect and maturity one has by how many things they do out of duty, not out of joy. The emphasis on joy, spending your time doing things that make you happy, seems to be central only for those “crazy kids,” those who won’t “grow up,” artists and Bohemians, and the attitude towards folks like that seems to be, “Why can’t they just get a job?” Again, I see this as a false tension, these aren’t things that we actually have to choose between, it is possible to have both….but for some reason, I wasn’t raised to think that way. I remember senior year of college being profoundly depressed and disappointed when I realized what “the real world” would be like after graduating, how my access to a large, over-functioning community of people would instantly diminish and I would be left scrambling on my own to assemble the activities I find pleasing in life. When I unwittingly solved this problem by living with my best friends in Phoenix for
several years, there was always that unspoken caveate, “This can’t last forever. Some day, we’ll all become adults and we won’t live with four people in a house.” There has been this idea in my mind that to grow older and grow up means to eschew frivolity–even if “frivolity” is merely “living in close proximity to humans you’re not related or married to”–and commit to the hard, motonous, dirty work of being an adult.
But it’s not true. These aren’t separate things, and I am perfectly free to put together a lifestyle of my choosing. What I need to get out of my head is that it’s one or the other. Because with a little creativity and the ability to choose to try something new, a perfectly normal and boring business meeting can turn into a playground for a few minutes, and those few minutes have lasting effects–sweat and laughter, for instance–that carry throughout the day. I think I’ve been my own worst enemy in a lot of ways, allowing my frustrations with the world, my own sense of being lost, that I’ve built an incredibly mundane, ordinary, sedentary life…the kind I always never wanted. But I see it a little more clearly now, I don’t have to try to be some kind of pioneer, I don’t have to create some culture that adheres to my proclivities…I just need some interruptions from regularly scheduled…everything, and let in some joy.
